I am privileged.

 I am privileged. I come from a place of privilege, geographically and figuratively, and I am highly conscious of that fact. This consciousness is not a burden. It is not a cost. It is not a penance. It is, however, an undeniable, un-debatable fact. It can make me feel uneasy. It can make me feel like a coward. It can make me feel uncertain, self-conscious, and embarrassed. It can be uncomfortable, and at times it can be so uncomfortable that I wish I could just fall through the floor into a void of nothing, alone and apart. There are very strong feelings of guilt and shame that never go away and can become quite difficult to work with. But let me be very clear: privilege is not something that I resent. If I were to resent it, wish I did not have it, or deny its existence, I would be dishonest, insensitive, insincere, and morally wrong. The same applies if I were to say that I take pride in my privilege, wave it like a flag, and parade it for all to see and know.

So how do I live within the dual-personality (some say the double-edged-sword) of privilege? I am aware, conscious, sensitive, and understanding of the privilege, my reactions to it, and the responses of others to it. Though privilege has played a great role in shaping the environments in which I grew up and continue to live, I know that I am more than that privilege. But it is not the only factor that has had such significant influence over my life and who I am. I make it a point to read, listen to, and watch people from other privileges, from other "worlds," and from other "lives." I do not try to hide, nor do I flaunt. It's there for others to see, and if asked questions I openly and honestly answer. I try not to place labels upon or judge others for their privileges, but I do admit to many failings when I am offended or surprised by their lack of awareness of those privileges. This is reaction that I have is something that I should work on, as I cannot change someone else. But I would be dishonest if I said that I wanted it gone. I use that judgement for selfish reasons: to remind me of my own place, of where I am and where I am not, and to reflect. There is no pride, but there is honesty. There is no shame, but there is understanding. There are safety, security, and support, and there are opportunities to help others find safety, security and support free from pity.

Watching the following video about the NYPD's Stop and Frisk policy, practice, and culture inspired me to write this. There is an extremely low likelihood that I will stopped and frisked if I am wandering NYC. I believe that I would not be stopped because I am a short (under 5 feet) Asian female. The expression on my face whenever I am in NYC is not one of confidence or purpose - it is one of awe often mixed with a health dose of feeling uncertain and being lost. I smile at strangers when we pass on the sidewalk; I wave at small children and babies; I strike up conversations with strangers; and I always squeal "puppy" when I see a dog of any breed, size, or shape. I come from a place where all of these things are acceptable - appearance, behavior, and culture. In other cultures if I behave as I do I would be The Most Suspicious, but by and large all of these things contribute to giving me the label "not suspicious" in the majority of situations in which I may find myself. The same cannot be true of my brother, simply because he is a male. Or for many of my black and African male friends because of their skin color, their accents or tones of their voices, and their clothing.  Or for many of my LGBTQ friends because of the way they speak, their behavior, their lifestyles, and their fashions. I fall in a gray space that few pay attention to, especially law enforcement of any kind.

This post was inspired by watching a video, titled "The Hunted and the Hated: An Inside Look at the NYPD's Stop-and-Frisk Policy" directed by Ross Tuttle and posted on The Nation's Youtube channel. The video is 13 minutes and 15 seconds, which may seem like forever in Youtube minutes, but the video, the individuals, the culture, and the awareness are incredibly important.

Watch the video here: http://www.upworthy.com/meet-the-17-year-old-who-blew-the-lid-off-racial-profiling-with-his-ipod?c=reccon1